About the author…

About me photo

Hi, my name is Carolyn.

I’m an abuse advocate who encourages the
relationally oppressed to reclaim their voice, worth, safety, strength, gifting, and purpose.

I’ve lived through battle of allowing an abuser to destroy part of my mind and strength.

At a Christian college, I met and regretfully married an angry, abusive pastor who had severe
mental illness, a personality disorder, and deep sexual addictions. When I left him, I lost all my friends in the ministry, except for one married couple. The few ministry friends who cared to ask what the problem was didn’t believe me; the rest didn’t inquire. Thankfully, my home church’s staff, where I grew up, was very supportive, except for some church members. The harshness that some people dealt me was severe, and I was devastated; retraumatized.
Years later, vindication came when my former husband went to prison because of his addictions that led to sex crimes against children. Unfortunately, family courts don’t understand or care about domestic abuse. It was too little, too late for countless children because the church didn’t perform due diligence in checking out his background.

Every day, courts around the world send children to visit or live with their abusers. Protective parents and innocent children encounter revictimization through post-separation abuse by the court’s legal and financial support of the abuser. Family Courts are dismissive of domestic abuse, a crime until you enter the family court system. Family Courts look at allegations as one angry parent trying to retaliate or emotionally hurt the other parent. The court refers to these as high conflict divorces. The truth is, the protective parent usually won’t turn the abuser in because they know the abuser will harm or kill a family member when they get out of jail, if an arrest even happens. Family Court lives by the false narrative that each parent has a right to have a relationship with their child. I believe children have a right to a non-abusive home. Family Court makes sure that child abuse continues long after the protective parent is granted a divorce for safety reasons. I’ve lived this battle too, and it’s why I’m passionate about changing the laws regulating family court.

I blog about:

  • My prayer life – God’s leading and His answers. Ordinary people are the history makers through the power of prayer.
  • Toxic relationships – Many people don’t realize they live with a toxic spouse or are in a toxic relationship with family, friends, or co-workers. (I understand tone is lost in written prose so understand the gentleness in which this is said. I’m not degrading those who have severe mental illness). Just because we are Christians does not mean we have to be walked all over, verbally shredded, emotionally manipulated, physically harmed, sexually abused, or backed in the corner by those suffering from severe mental illness, who refuse to seek help and healing, who refuse treatment for their personality disorder, or by those who refuse to turn from their wrong choices. Boundaries are necessary. Safety is achievable. Love is essential.
  • Toxic churches – The Christian community, a magnet for abusers, has done little to go on the offense to manage this problem. Worse, they have shamed, disbelieved, turned away, or done nothing to make the institution safe for the future. We need to be on the lookout for abusers so vulnerable people are safe. The church needs to make restitution for the sheep who have been destroyed by predator pastors or laypeople; wolves. We can apply the gospel as we minister to the marginalized among us.
  • Destructive marriages fall under the category of toxic relationships. A topic family court’s do not yet understand, while judges and guardian ad litems are retraumatizing countless (mostly) women and children. I desire to educate the church body on helping people in abusive/destructive marriages. For too long Christians have placed the importance of the institution of marriage over the safety, sanity, and health of the abused spouse and children. The Bible has numerous passages on how to deal with unfaithful, emotionally destructive, foolish abusers.
  • Et Cetera – Consists of home projects, service projects, and occasionally my most asked for recipes; chocolate and Tex-Mex. My favs! Maybe I should say was…since I now live an auto-immune protocol lifestyle for auto-immune diseases. I’m quickly learning to adjust these recipes for my specific needs.

Are you limping like Jacob (Genesis 32:22-31), waiting on the fulfillment of a calling on your life like Joseph (Genesis 37-47), or being delivered through the fire like Shadrack, Meshach and Abed-nego (Daniel 3:8-30)? Be encouraged. Be empowered. Be on your knees in prayer. Then—be blessed; in good times, in despair, and everything in between.

Christian blogger, St. Louis, Missouri


DEEP ROOTS art used with permission and provided by Victory Road @ Etsy. Find a full line of Victory Road’s DEEP ROOTS merchandise at Society6. In the search bar enter Victory Road to find DEEP ROOTS.




Or check out artist Kayann Ausherman’s website and blog here.


32 thoughts on “About the author…

    1. Thanks for visiting my blog. I enjoyed finding yours through womenlivingwell.org. I’ll be seeing/reading more of you in the future.


      1. Hi Carolyn. Thank you for your very honest and heartfelt comments about Ravi Zacharias. I have posted his full suicide emails at http://www.RaviWatch.com. Ravi has privately admitted sending the suicide email but he refuses to comment publicly on the matter. Sadly, HarperCollins Christian Publishing continue to publish his books and have just signed a contract for another one.

        Why does nobody in the Christian business world care that this preacher put his reputation ahead of the marital healing of a sufferingChristian couple?

        Thank you for keeping your fans and followers apprised of these depressing facts.


      2. I wish I could answer your question of ‘why’. Perhaps people can’t imagine someone can and would actually behave like this. Maybe they believe lies they are being told. It’s exhausting for sure to those who want the truth to be heard and believed, and want some form of justice. I have not posted anymore on the subject since I’m trying to streamline my website to deal with marital domestic violence in the church. Many women don’t realize they’re being abused since they have always been told they need to obey and submit to their husbands in all things. It makes me wonder what type of life Mrs. Zacharias has lived.


      3. Thank you for your work for abused people. There is so much hate & violence in the world, it is great to read about people helping those who have been in abusive relationships.


  1. Thank you for this blog. I am slowly reading through, and finding it to helpful and relevant to this stage of my life. Appreciate it so much! I found it when you posted the warning about your daughter’s experience with a potential stalker. It was definitely of God that I found you!

    Here’s a tip: Aldi chocolate is the *best*! It is European chocolate at Aldi prices. Can’t beat that! If you’ve tried it, you know what I mean. If you haven’t, whatcha waitin’ for? 😉



      1. I just happened to run across your blog when reading about your story about the Messers. But what really cought my eye was your title for your blog. I actually do chocolate parties, similar to Tupperware and Pampered Chef, but it’s chocolate. Lol so hello to another chocolate lover!


      2. Hi Amy, thanks for stopping by. I imagine hosting chocolate parties must be one of the easiest ways to sell products.


    1. Thanks for stopping by and thanks for the invitation. I’ll catch up with you soon regarding guest posting. 🙂


  2. Hey Carolyn, thanks for being a blessing. I found out about you through your email to SCCHE. We will perhaps meet there. I’m a new member and have two boys that I home school. We are winding down to our last couple of years together.

    I look forward to checking out more of your blog and you can check out mine if you like.

    God bless and keep up the good work.


    1. Hi Renee, thanks for stopping by my blog. I look forward to meeting you and checking out your blog. Welcome to the local homeschooling community.


  3. I’m very glad God led me to your blog. The Toxic Tues. articles and relationship articles as well as other resources/links have been extremely helpful to me. Thank you!


    1. My pleasure, and thanks for stopping by my blog. I’m glad you are finding helpful information.
      I am always thankful beyond words when God allows my past pain to be used for His purpose. He loves us sooo much! Blessings…


  4. Hello dear friend! Giving God much praise after perusing this wonderful blog. Though I have no formal degree, I seem to connect sometimes with hurting women who open up to me on the job. So thankful I thought of you to direct them to and I plan to visit you here as well. Your experience, wisdom, info and lovely spirit are a rich gift to the reader! God bless you! Thanks for the encouragement for the journey!


    1. Cathy, Thank you for the kind words. I’m grateful to be helpful to hurting women as I know it is a difficult road to walk and I don’t want them to walk it alone; neither does God. Thank you for listening to these women God has placed in your life. ~Blessings!


  5. Carolyn, been reading your articles for sometime. You are a real inspiration, I knew you in a past life and praise God for your strength. You have and are in my prayers.


    1. Paula, thank you for the kind words and prayers. I have thought of you many times over the years and wondered how you were doing. I’m so glad you dropped me a note. I’ll private message you!


  6. Hello Carolyn
    I so appreciate your messages – I am from West St. Louis county, suffered through a 30-year abusive marriage, escaped, re-located to S Carolina 2 1/2 years ago. My husband passed away two years ago, so I am no longer dealing with that. I too knew of the Messers throughout my 17 years of homeschooling our 3 children.
    In SC the domestic violence statistics are among the highest in the country. I am committed to finding ways to equip the church with ways to address this. I was one of those women who tried to get help from the church, and was given terrible advice, not believed, and even slandered and ignored.
    A female pastor here asked me today if I knew of anyone who could speak on the subject. I immediately thought of you – do you ever speak to groups?


    1. Sallie, Thank you for your vote of confidence. I have not spoken publicly on this issue, other than teaching a women’s Bible study for it, although I know God has called me to communicate what the gospel message has to say about this subject. God has allowed my gifts, passions, and painful trials to shape me for His purpose. I’m open to His leading.
      That being said; there are other people who are exceptionally qualified to speak, and provide training for, the local church. My two favorite psychologists on this subject are Leslie Vernick http://www.veritascounseling.com/ and Patrick Doyle http://www.veritascounseling.com/
      There is a ministry in place that does this type of training and they are ready to hit the ground running: The Psalm 82 Initiative https://www.facebook.com/pg/Psalm82Initiative/about/ You may contact them through Facebook or you may read more about them here: http://www.claireroise.com/2017/02/03/psalm-82-initiative/


  7. Hello Maam!

    Chanced upon your blog. I don’t think it was a fluke, as I was in dire desperation for answers from the Lord.

    You would be shocked that as man I have been going through an abuse that cannt be put in words. I married her thinking she was a christian cuz she projected like one. The world or for that matter the Church wouldnt believe a word of mine had I told them that I was being mentally and emotionally and physically abused and tortured by this woman, and that me and my 3-year-old son are at grave danger from this emotionally and mentally unstable woman. She abuses my 3-year-old son in the name of biblical disciple. Has been doing that since he was a 6-month old baby slapping the back of his palm cuz he used to suck his thumb. He lives in fear and dread of her day in and day out. She has a great reputation in the local church. No one would believe me.

    I did try to bring up this issue of emotional and mental abuse to a few “christians” who without even letting me finish my sentence would shut me down with a holy brimstome and wrath of God from heaven sermon and tell me that God hates divorce and that no matter what I should keep loving her and that my love will win her over. i was being blamed cuz i was a man and that a woman would not commit such a atrocity. She screams at the top of her voice and fights at 1:30 am and breaks things at home. Says she cares a damn for anyone. Also says it doesnt matter when i tell her to talk peaceful cuz my son gets stunned and stiff and scared of her beyond abnormal screaming.

    You article was God sent! A breath of fresh air. Given me a ray of hope that what I am facing is abnormal and that I need to take legal action against this woman.

    God bless her abdundantly. You have no clue how much your article has helped. A real life saver. saved me and my son.

    Yes even men go through such abuse beyond descripiton.

    Would be great to hear from you and reply to you.

    In Christ,


    1. ..just to add…i was beaten, bruised, scratched by her..apart from being called various profanities in full public view..and I happen to live in a third-world country where the women have more rights to the kid than the father…no matter how abusive she is..its gonna take the hand of the Lord and His mercy to miraculously deliver me from this manipulator and grant me my son’s sole custody so that I would bring him up in line with love of God and the Word of God.i really fear for the safety and well being of my son..


      1. Vic, Yes, men can also be the abused and I’m saddened to read of what you and your son are living through. I’m not a professional, but I believe you need to seek professional help and bypass the church at this time. You need a paper trail to support you in court. If you have something like Domestic Violence or an abuse shelter you need to go there and tell them your story. They should know of someone to interview your child also. A child psychologist needs to see your son as soon as possible so play therapy can hopefully reveal the abuse your son is suffering. Go to the police or legal authority and ask to fill our a report, ask them who you should talk to. In America you can locate victim witness coordinators at the District Attorney’s office of each county and at the state level with the Attorney General’s office. If you can, find a licensed counselor/psychologist whose testimony will hold up in a court of law, and begin telling your story. Better yet, if you are still with your wife, try your best to get her to go to counseling with you. I don’t recommend joint counseling with your abuser, but…I do recommend allowing a counselor the opportunity to see how she justifies or explains away her reasoning for the abusive treatment. If your wife achieves getting the counselor to see everything from her point of view then she has managed to deceive the counselor and you’ll need to not go back to that person. It is legally your responsibility to call the police and report child abuse. If you have something like Family Protective Services or Child Protective Services, they also need to be contacted and your wife needs to be reported. They will hopefully investigate the allegations. In America, if your spouse is reported for child abuse, the non-offending spouse has to keep the child away from the abuser or the child will be removed from the home by the authorities. I have no idea your country of origin or its law. “For God did not give us a Spirit of fear; but of power, and love, and a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7. You are strong and you will make it through with God’s help. Stay in God’s word, and pray, pray , pray. Find scriptures that speak to you in this situation and pray them out loud over you and your son. “For the word of God is alive and active and sharper than any double-edged sword, piercing even to the point of dividing soul from spirit, and joints from marrow; it is able to judge the desires and thoughts of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12. For more help in the middle of this abusive relationship go to Youtube.com and watch counseling videos by Patrick Doyle and Leslie Vernick. The videos by Patrick Doyle, “Emotional Abuse” and “Recognize and Prevent Emotional Abuse” would be terrific tools for your church leadership to watch to they can become educated on abuse that is taking place in the church.


      2. If you live in a country where you have none of the above offices for receiving help; you will need your church. In that case; hopefully, the Patrick Doyle videos will help them see the extent of a wide spread problem of abuse taking place in the homes of many church members.


      3. I also want to add that in cases like this; if you know the law will not protect the child and that divorce would end in the child living with the abusive parent, divorce may not be the best option. If you can learn to set healthy boundaries, staying in the relationship may be the only way you can protect the child. Without you, there will be no protection from verbal, emotional and physical abuse which could leave the child feeling alone, abandoned and helpless. This is a matter of prayer and wise counsel.


  8. I am not of a christian faith, however, I respect all people of walks of life. I commend you for taking action and helping women over this struggle, for this purpose i will send women of your faith facing these issues to your site. It’s time people start taking a stand that women are not slaves or servants int he way the church portrays them to need to be. women should know and understand that control is not OK. Children really need to be protected as they are the most vulnerable. i come across a lot of women who are so afraid to leave that environment.


    1. Thank you. I long for victims of abuse to know that they are not scripturally required to stay with their abusers. Sometimes all they need is to see scriptures in a new light as they all fit together; instead of a few being ‘cherry picked’.


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