30 question checklist of less talked about signs of emotional abuse. Many churches teach that men are over women in every aspect of life which leads to abusive, angry and controlling men taking toxic liberties with power. Is this you or someone you know?
Are you aware that children can be ‘groomed’ or molested right in front of your eyes without you being wise to it? For people looking to offend; holiday gatherings provide a bountiful, unsuspecting selection. Learn some of the clues you can look for.
Number of people per minute who experience intimate partner violence in the U.S.: 24 Number of workplace violence incidents in
Shanann Watts’ husband, Chris Watts, confessed to killing Shanann and their two daughters Bella, 4, and Celeste, 3, as part
Life is hard, and life married to an angry, controlling spouse seems impossible. Without realizing it you withhold hope as
The last time I wrote I gave you my observations on the Shanann Watts case; specifically my thoughts on the
I think these were likely heinous, violent, selfish, dark acts of murder from a cold, calculating, evil, angry, and controlling man who looked normal, nice, caring, and nurturing to those watching on the outside.
I’m sure you’ve seen it all over the headlines: Husband kills pregnant wife and their two little girls.
I’m involved in an online community of domestic abuse advocates so when this story broke I immediately took interest. You know me…my first thought was that the husband is statistically most likely involved. I immediately watched the interview done by a local Denver, CO news station.
Here were some of the red flags about Chris Watts that caught my attention:
The detachment in one of his statements when he referred to his family as: “everybody”, “anybody”…it was off. His demeanor during his interview was non-emotional about his family and detached from the gravity of them being gone…just words; which seemed empty to me. He appeared to be smiling during some of it; almost giddy with underlying excitement…which to me speaks the age-old adage that he possibly believed he’s so special and smart that no one would ever catch him at what he did. His grin told the story of how proud he was of his deception. He exuded arrogance and assumed people would believe him.
With word spinners you have to pay attention to the grains of truth woven throughout the lies… “It was like I walked into a ghost house.” Hmm, could this be because he killed them and was haunted by what he did?
He talks about himself…his feelings, his needs, and his thoughts. He lacked the emotions that go with trauma and fear, and instead smiled through most of the multiple interviews.
He mentioned the empty house but showed no emotion about the loneliness or fear of why the house was empty.
“When I got home yesterday it was like a ghost town…it’s like a nightmare that I just can’t wake up from.” Why is he speaking of a nightmare so early in the investigation of which he says he knows nothing and has no inclination of what happened or where they are? After all, the possibility exists that they are with a friend or family member? What’s so nightmarish about that?
“I had every light in the house on.” Perhaps because he couldn’t live with what had taken place during the night?
I noticed how tightly he had his arms crossed in front of him as if to say I am bottled up, I’m lying, and I am not telling what I know.
He was shaking his head no, while stating he wanted his family to return.
When Chris Watts stayed with friends Monday night he referred to his wife in the past tense. They notified police that they didn’t think Chris was doing enough to actively look for his family.
His body language, words, emotions and actions didn’t add up to innocent.
Chris Watts arrested for the murder of his wife and daughters
When news broke that Chris Watts had been arrested for the murder of his wife and children, people were asking, “what made him snap?” The public and the media seem shocked that this nice looking, well-spoken man could be responsible for murders while smiling at the camera and stating, “Shanann, Bella, Celeste, if you’re out there, just come back. If somebody has her, just bring her back. I need to see everybody; I need to see everybody again. This house is not complete without anybody here.”
I wonder how the police obtained a confession from him. Perhaps they had overwhelming evidence from the crime scenes.
A next door neighbor said Chris Watts was a normal helpful neighbor, “He would reach out and help anyone who needed help with anything.”
A reporter asked, “How a man who appeared to be such an adoring husband and father could do this?”
If you’ve read my blog for long you know this is a major issue I’ve tried to address. I also addressed it when I spoke in Dallas at the SBC: For Such a Time as This Rally.
These types of men “are grand actors and magnificent manipulators. They may be sitting next to us in worship, Sunday school, or small group. They can be pastors, Sunday school teachers, and our best friend, charming, smart, and biblically brilliant. They can be high functioning in their job, helpful in our time of need, and financially generous if hardship strikes us; all while destroying the wife and/or children at home.”
What’s worse is that often times the women don’t realize they are being abused. How can this happen? you may ask.
The victim may be confused about what is wrong, or who is in the wrong in the relationship. For me, and for other countless women, we believed our spouse’s lie that everything wrong in the relationship or home was our fault. Chris and Shanann hadn’t been married many years. It’s possible this may have been her experience…or maybe she was waking up to the idea that something was wrong in her marriage.
Here is an excerpt from a journal of an abused wife in the first years of marriage. She believed all the anger and control problems her husband had were going to get better as he became accustomed to being married.
“Thank you, Heavenly Father, for a godly husband who loves me. He’s a good daddy and an excellent provider. Please help him adjust to married life quickly, and help me to be the wife he needs and wants.”
In the above case; years would prove that she wasn’t the problem and that no matter how wonderful a wife and mother she was, it wouldn’t meet with his approval or kindness, or satisfy his need for power over her and control of her.
Other possibilities: 1) You can live with a person and not know if they suffer from mental illness or a personality disorder. 2) The wife is usually the last person to find out about an affair. 3) Maybe Shanann had decided to leave her husband.
Whatever the case; make no mistake, Shanann and her daughters did nothing wrong to provoke anyone to murder them. I don’t believe this was a snap decision, but likely numerous issues building up over time. This is why I recommend the free MOSAIC threat assessment. What is MOSAIC? A combination of factors that are associated with escalated risk and danger requires that you know what questions to ask, and then know how to consider all your answers in a way that enhances insight. The MOSAIC method works by breaking a situation down to its elements, factor-by-factor, and then seeing what picture emerges when the pieces of the puzzle are put together.
As many women have learned; it’s difficult to leave an angry and controlling man…sometimes impossible.
I think it’s safe to assume that Shanann confided in a friend that something was deeply and fearfully wrong with her husband. Her friend Nickole Utoft, who dropped Shanann off at home around 2 AM after a business trip, tried making contact early that morning by text, phone, and going to the house. When Nickole couldn’t make contact with her friend she called the police and asked for a welfare check that afternoon. When Nicole discovered Shanann’s purse, phone, and keys in the house she filed missing person’s reports. Nickole knew something!
I’m grateful Chris Watts confessed early and disclosed where he placed the bodies. When a woman ‘disappears’ it’s usually at the hand of her significant other. When children are killed it’s usually at the hands of a parent or guardian.
- 3 women are murdered every day by a current or former male partner in the U.S.
- The number of American troops killed in Afghanistan and Iraq between 2001 and 2012 was 6,488. The number of American women who were murdered by current or ex male partners during that time was 11,766. That’s nearly double the amount of casualties lost during war.
- Annually about 450 children are intentionally murdered by a parent.
- More than three decades of FBI homicide data shows patterns stand out when parents kill their children: Three out of four child victims are younger than 5. In 56% of all cases, fathers are the killers. In murders with multiple victims, fathers are the culprit 70% of the time.
Next time I will address lessons I learned about domestic abuse.
If you question the possibility of being in danger, please go to MOSAIC and take the free threat assessment test.
Please sign this petition to encourage the SBC to take action against abuse now. The story of @girlnamedanne is one
Need resources for your church or organization regarding domestic abuse response? Are you aware there are many free resources on
“(W)e acknowledge that spousal abuse dishonors the marriage covenant and fundamentally blasphemes the relationship between Christ and the church.” The
I was invited and had the privilege of speaking at the For Such a Time as This Rally in Dallas,
DALLAS, TX – June 5, 2018 – Discussing and responding to the epidemic of abuse within Protestant Christianity’s largest denomination
Read Part 1 here… Part 2 here… Part 3 here… Part 4 here… You, Lord, hear the desire of the
Part 4 is a continuation of a series on what scripture has to say about a woman’s worth and role.
This is the third part in a series on what scripture has to say about a woman’s worth and role.