Tag Archives: Narcissistic Personality Disorder Sociopath Pedophile in the church

Toxic Tuesday: I Am Known As a Liar

Toxic Tuesday biochem hazard small

Today I am reminiscing of the road I lingered on for several years to see my former husband go to prison for sexual crimes against children.

For more on this read: Reversal of Destiny, Mene, Mene, Tekel, Parsin, Church Leadership Supporting Sexual Offenders-Part 1Church Leadership Supporting Sexual Offenders-Part 2and Church Leadership Supporting Sexual Offenders-Part 3

Sixteen years of anticipating justice was a long wait and the only reason I kept my sanity was that the Lord’s great love endures forever. And I understood His voice in my heart, soul, mind and strength telling me to trust Him because He was working. I was to keep silent, except for prayer, and wait on His sovereign timing.

God did use other people to stand up for the little children but when a defendant suffers from a narcissistic personality you can bet your bottom dollar most people will believe and defend the accused. Why? Narcissists are the best of the best actors and liars.

A few weeks ago I shared in, My Destructive Marriage, about a friend who knew the extreme depravity of my husband and yet was not able to come to terms with it. I posted the letter of rebuttal I received from this friend.

Well, George (from My Destructive Marriage) wasn’t the only person who didn’t believe me. Truth be told; I lost most of my closest friends and dozens of ministry friends. While my soon to be ex-husband made his rounds to secure believability and support; the Lord gave me His peace, provision, a supportive family, and some of the most amazing female friends for which I ever asked.

I had to live with the reputation of being a liar; of lying about my husband because that is what he told anyone and everyone who would listen. You may know the saying “People believe the first thing they hear.” This is especially true when it is the only thing they hear.

Here is another letter.

Please note as you read the below letter that the Christian association which sent out the letter did not bother to tell their supporters the charges for which my ex-husband was arrested. I think the supporters deserved the whole truth so they could make an informed decision about continued financial and prayer support.

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Dear Co-Laborers in Christ,

In past years you have read of Evangelist S in our newsletters. S joined as an Overseas Evangelist several years back and served honorably and successfully winning many souls to Christ. S was not full time, he was part time. His full time service was as the Minister of a Church in Independence, Kansas, where he preached and was loved by that congregation for over 6 years. One year and a half ago S was suddenly arrested and jailed in Independence and he has remained in jail ever since. Many of us are grieved because we believe S is 100% innocent of the charge that has been made against him. We are asking all Christians to pray for Evangelist S. He is your brother in Christ. He was baptized as a boy at the County Christian Church in Kansas, where his father and mother were among the founding members of that church. S was also ordained to the ministry by the Elders of the County Christian Church after graduating from Bible College. S’s trial will take place at the courthouse in Independence, Kansas, the first week of August. Several of us who live in Joplin and surrounding towns plan to be present for the trial and will be in constant prayer that God will lead the Defense Attorney to accurately present S’s side of the story. Please pray for S, pray for his wife, pray for the Judge and for each member of the jury. Pray that S may be acquitted so he can continue his effective work as an overseas evangelist. Thinking about the Apostle Paul. During S’s incarceration I have often written to him and he has written many letters to me. Receiving a letter from S in jail is very similar to reading Paul’s Prison Epistles in the New Testament. I want to share with you one of S’s letters:

“Dear R and E,

Thank you for the wonderful and encouraging letter I received from you. I so much appreciate the news of our evangelists’ work around the world. I am keeping these in my thoughts and prayers—and hope to join you in the work again soon. How could I possibly express how thankful I am to both of you for watching out for, comforting, and encouraging my wife through these terribly difficult times? May an abundance of grace be credited to your account. (Philippians 4:16-18). Jail has exposed me to men who have engaged in the worst of all behaviors. Many brag about their addictions to drugs and sex—the most lewd descriptions I have been forced to hear. It is sickening to hear it day after day. The word to best describe it is TORTURE! The good news is that one-by-one, they have come to me and asked questions about the Bible. There are moments of shame and despair. I pray throughout the day for all of them—for the Lord to reach their hearts.

One man, convinced that “all men are equal,” (not believing that anyone was better than him)  reacted violently toward me when I said, “Yes, I believe there are some who are better than others.” I used examples like Noah and Job and Enoch and Elijah. He nearly hit me he was so angry; he said that I was Satanic. Then after telling him that I loved him, I left the room. Later that day, I handed him a Bible reference…”Consider others more important than yourselves…” (Philippians 3:2). It amazes me how so many do not esteem others beyond themselves. Needless to say, there is little to no respect for authority. I have always had “heroes in the faith”. These men refuse to consider anyone as being better than themselves. While I understand that “all have sinned” and “all need the Savior”, there are many who are “walking in a manner worthy of their calling.” We are to “Give honor to whom honor is due.” These are foreign concepts; they demand respect, but often forget to give it. The hardships are discouraging, and sometimes I lose hope—but my faith is strong. I cannot deny the Lord’s word, nor can I deny His faithfulness. Thank you again for all you are doing to help us in this difficult situation. I believe the Lord will deliver me home and restore my joy. I love you both beyond words.

S,   Psalm 103

OUR APPEAL IS THAT A LARGE ARMY OF PRAYER WARRIORS WILL SURROUND S WITH YOUR PRAYERS TO GOD FOR HIS ACQUITTAL.

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A friend messaged me as an alert that this letter was circulating to all the world-wide prayer and financial supporters of this evangelistic association.

Weeks later, a different friend, called to tell me they had spoken with the man who wrote the letter. They pleaded with the man to step back, pray about it, research narcissistic personality disorder, and allow the law to do its job because this arrest was overdue, necessary justice and future protection for innocent children.

The evangelist found my friend’s remarks impossible to believe. He said he knew the defendant intimately from traveling the world with him on mission trips and had spent much time in prayer with him. He would consider it but doubted what he was being told by my friend.

I would like to ask this man, “How did you think I felt? I was his wife. I loved him, supported him, was intimate with him, believed him, and listened to him preach, pray and lead people to Christ week after week. It took years to rectify my heart and mind with facts—years!”

This letter literally made me sick to my stomach for multiple reasons.

This evangelist later attended the trial and the sentencing as a supporter of the defendant.

Twenty three plus years ago I knew this evangelist, and his wife, from North American Christian Conventions that I attended with my then husband; the defendant. We would visit with them at their exhibit table and eat meals together with our mutual friends; Dewey, Barbara and their daughter and son-in-law who were close friends of mine.

Did the evangelist and his wife ever wonder what happened to me? Why didn’t they inquire about why the defendant was divorced? Did they not find it odd that he had no contact with, or rights to, his biological child? Did they not remember that far back? Why did they not have questions or concerns since this man would be traveling with them to foreign countries for the purpose of working in orphanages?

I saw the evangelist’s wife stare at me multiple times in court. I wondered if she remembered me, if perhaps she thought I was an absolutely wicked woman, or if she was trying to make sense of the difference between the defendant’s first wife and second wife. I held out little hope that everything was adding up to her and she now realized the defendant’s guilt.

There is NO understanding this without understanding the influence and believability of a narcissist.

“Though I am glad this predator was finally caught and removed from having more opportunities to abuse little ones, I am sickened by the fact that the faith community has embraced him and advocates for his innocence. I have no doubt these individuals will one day be called into account for their failure to protect the vulnerable as they were too busy protecting evil. So glad that justice finally arrived…” ~Boz Tchividjian @ G.R.A.C.E.

The moral of my story is this: Narcissists are nearly impossible to identify. This is maddening to any woman who finds herself married to one because when she finally finds the courage to tell the nightmare she has lived through; very few people believe her since the narcissistic husband has hidden his real self to the world while letting it all hang out at home. The extended family knows, the wife knows, the kids know. The sad aspect is the wife is considered the crazy unstable person by many friends for exposing her reality when in fact, the opposite is true; the husband is unstable. Narcissists mirror all accusations toward the accuser, framing the victim as the perpetrator. Read more about this aspect of NPD here..

To this day I have people who believe I am a liar and who still believe I lied about the reasons for which I divorced my husband. This—after his conviction which led to being sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole for 25 years. I can live with it because I know who I am, I know Who loves me, and He who loves me knows the truth. Nothing else matters.

This article is for the women out there in cyber space living a similar nightmare. Many of you arrive at Spiritual Battles from countries all over the globe looking for answers and help for your toxic marriage. You are not crazy, you are not alone, and you are not wrong. You are a woman of God!

“I am a woman of God

Redeemed by Jesus Christ

Loved, pursued and chosen

Equipped with words of life

Clothed in strength and dignity

Commissioned here and now

Gifted by the Spirit

Forgiven and unbound

Blessed is she who believed”

~Living Proof Live with Beth Moore

Click below to listen to the song version and commit it to memory. Next time you feel crazy or like you might lose your sanity at any moment; sing the song and remind yourself who you are according to your creator and the lover of your soul.

Click here to download this song to your computer from the Living Proof blog.

A Grand Deception: The Successful Response of Sex Offenders

Liar liar pants on fire

Religion News Service

By Boz Tchividjian

“I’m ready to be put this all behind me and to continue reaching for my dreams of filmmaking and in music.”

Those were the recent words of Brandon Milburn, a former youth minister, as he pleaded with a judge for a lenient sentence after being convicted of seven counts of child sexual abuse involving two eleven year old boys.   His pleas were echoed by supporters who came to court to proclaim his innocence. One even remarked, “I do not believe he is a predator. I love Brandon; my children love Brandon. If Brandon was released today, he would be welcome to come and live in my home.”

Ultimately, the judge decided that Brandon Milburn should spend the next 25 years reaching for his dreams inside the walls of a prison.

Sexual offenders have perfected a grand deception that sadly seems to work all too well inside faith communities. This deception twists truth, minimizes abuse, and exploits guilt in order to create a fictional narrative that paints the offender as the victim and those who accuse and confront as perpetrators of injustice. Unfortunately, too many fail to realize that this deceptive narrative is fiction.

Finish reading 4 steps offenders use as narrative when caught: A Grand Deception: The Successful Response of Sex Offenders

Toxic Tuesday: Narcissistic Fact and Fiction

A Narcissist uses lies and deceit to recruit others for the purpose of advancing themselves. It is not something they do; it is who they are.

Think of it this way; we know God is love, God is merciful, God is just, and God is kind. The list of God’s attributes goes on and on. Attributes are not what God does. Attributes are who God is.

Narcissists are selfish deceitful recruiters. It is not just what they do; it is who they are—at the core.

God is capable of saving, healing and changing anyone’s heart, but the catch remains, they have to want saved, healed and changed. Narcissistic personalities are special and do no wrong. They have no sin because the morals and laws that govern others do not apply to them; therefore, they do not need saved, healed or changed. They do not seek what they do not need. They need no forgiveness because they do no wrong.

Even when caught in the act they insist, “But wait, that’s not who I am. I (the real me) would never do that! I know how it appears but I can assure you it is not the truth.”

The longer narcissists believe their own lies, the more toxic their brain chemistry becomes.

The closer Christians emulate Jesus, the more loving they become.

True Christianity is driven by loving God and loving others.  True Narcissistic Personality Disorder is driven by malignant self-love.

230px-Narcissus-Caravaggio_(1594-96)_edited

Narcissus by Caravaggio. Gazing at his own reflection.

Narcissistic Fiction in the Christian Community                         Narcissistic Fact

  • Joyful Christ likeness                                                                     Superficial charm
  • Confident dynamic charisma                                                   Grandiose sense of self-worth,
  • Trustworthy and honest                                                              Pathological lying
  • I have your best interest at heart.                                           Cunning/manipulative
  • Believable compassion, beautifully written words.      Lack of remorse or guilt
  • Personable, witty & up front personality                            Callous/lack of empathy
  • Moral and just                                                                                     Failure to accept responsibility                                                                                                                           for own actions
  • Dynamic engaging speaker                                                          Copies well-known speakers
  • Humble                                                                              Lies, exaggerates achievements & talents

It is nearly impossible for a heart and mind to accept the truth of a friend or loved one’s depravity. The magnitude of the sin will catch no one off guard more than the person who loves the narcissist the most.

You may find more information on Narcissistic Personality Disorder, setting boundaries and dealing with toxic people under my Toxic Tuesday posts. You will also find scriptures to pray over these topics.

Side note: The top three professions for individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are actors/entertainers, psychologists and pastors (in no particular order). There is also a huge number with N.P.D. in politics. A quick study of world history and dictatorships will produce a list of Who’s Who with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Toxic Tuesday: Pedophile or Molester?

Today’s Toxic Tuesday post will discuss child predators/pedophiles/molesters. Not all toxic people are pedophiles but all pedophiles are toxic. Pedophiles prey upon children simply because they can.TOXIC TUESDAY warning

What does a pedophile look like? They don’t necessarily look like a creepy, dirty or unkempt person; in fact, they usually dress nicely to attract children to themselves. Examples we have heard of in the news over the last two years are: athletic coaches/personnel, teachers both male and female, pastors and priests, a bus driver, Sunday School teachers, babysitters, neighbors, friends, day care workers, mothers, fathers, siblings, grandfathers, uncles, cousins, a spouse, a shopper in Wal-Mart, swimmers at water parks…are you understanding how far-reaching abuse goes? It could be anyone anywhere at any time.

Why do pedophiles molest?

They have an unnatural sinful desire which could stem from their own childhood trauma, from viewing pornography and/or from mental illness. I am in no way saying that all mentally ill people molest; they do not, the thought never enters their mind. But mental illness can be a contributing factor for some pedophiles.

They are hurting flawed individuals who do not have the courage to seek help and healing; or if they do seek it—the dark memories are so overwhelming they choose to leave them where they are instead of bringing them into the light.

Many pedophiles in a position of authority often know a child’s mental state and family conditions because a parent confides in them; believing that the teacher, pastor, neighbor, friend, or (you fill in the ___________) will have the child’s best interest at heart.

They love the trill of not being caught. For many; they want to be caught and even leave clues yet are exhilarated when they are not discovered.

The most alarming reason, to me, that predators prey on children is society’s silence. People decide to cover it up, not report it or not believe it. Always believe the child. Do not confront the abuser. Report the abuser and allow the law to investigate. “Easy Lie = “No, it didn’t happen” / Most Difficult Lie = Detailed report of a traumatic event. False allegations of child abuse are rare.” netgrace.org.  Many people want no involvement in the process of bringing an offender to justice. Why? It is emotionally draining, judicially slow and financially difficult. There is rarely an eyewitness who saw what happened to the child. By the time the child tells what happened to them, if ever they tell what happened to them; the DNA evidence is usually washed away.  97% of rape cases are never reported. According to dosomething.org; 1 out of 3 girls and 1 out of 5 boys will be sexually abused before the age of 18. This statistic holds true for the Christian community. 90 percent of child sexual abuse victims know the perpetrator in some way. 68 percent are abused by a family member. Many adults believe the pedophile/molester over the victim; telling the victim to shut up and stop causing problems. Silence is breaking children.

You may be asking, “Is there a difference between pedophiles and molesters?” The answer: Yes.

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 Pedophiles and Child Molesters: The Differences (calcasa.org)

Although virtually all pedophiles are child molesters, not all child molesters are pedophiles. Pedophiles have a clear sexual attraction for children. The focus of a pedophile is a child or children generally under the age of 13. Pedophiles often report they are attracted to children in a particular age range (DSM-IV). Child molesters are sexual offenders who have committed either intra-familial sexual offense (incest) against a child victim or extra-familial sexual offenses against a child victim or both.

Pedophiles:

* True pedophiles may abuse family members, but the majority of their offenses is extra-familial and is directed toward vulnerable children whom they court or groom for the purpose of victimization. Their relationships with children are based on exploitation of the children for sexual gratification.

* Offenders, who seek out children to victimize by placing themselves in positions of trust, authority, and easy access to youngsters, can have hundreds of victims over the course of their lifetimes.

* Pedophiles, especially those who molest boys, or both boys and girls, are the sex offenders who have the highest recidivism (relapse) rates after incarceration and/or treatment.

* Pedophiles frequently are uncomfortable with adult intimacy and may spend their lives maneuvering to be near children. They may be extremely charming and skilled at manipulating adults, and they may use adult relationships to gain access to children.

* The pedophile may spend years working up to a position of authority and trust within a church, school, or youth organization in order to have access to children. Of course, most such individuals (clergy, teachers, youth leaders) in these types of authoritative positions have no sexual interest in children.

Child Molesters:

* The non-pedophilic molester is someone whose primary sexual orientation includes adults, but who may molest children in a maladaptive attempt to meet emotional needs.

* Research has found that many men who molest their own children or related female children have sexual interests that are indistinguishable from those of non-offending males.

* Data suggest incestuous offenders, regardless of the gender of the victim, have lower numbers of victims and are less likely to be rearrested for new sex crimes after they have been convicted.

* A child molester may turn to a child for sex out of a perceived inability to be close with an adult partner, out of poor self-esteem, or to escape feelings of powerlessness and loneliness. This type of offender usually has had appropriate (but often dysfunctional) relationships with peers and may be married.

* Outcome studies have demonstrated consistently low rates of recidivism (relapse) for incestuous offenders.

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New studies are showing many pedophiles, mostly male but some female, choose their field of study/career path according to which profession will give them authority over children and easy access to children.

The continual increase in the use of internet pornography is alarming. Males, females; children and adults, have instant access to it. Hearts will continue to harden, brain chemistry will continue to change since addiction always requires—more— requires different. One view of porn can lead to another; can lead to more wrong choices which lead to a seared conscience. Victims become no more than objects in an abuser’s life because emotional relationships have been replaced with images and fantasy. Because of the seared conscience the victimizer does not believe they are doing anything wrong; and may even believe the child deserves it.

If the perpetrator has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and/or is a sociopath they have no other point of reference than themselves. They believe the world and everything/everyone in it exists for their needs and wants. They live their life on stage acting according to how they believe their audience, at the moment, wants to see them. They often are charming, have terrific personalities, ooze compassion, can be dynamic speakers/preachers and are Academy Award worthy actors. When backed in a corner or caught; they have the ability to talk their way out of everything. Here me: They could violate you, violate your child, burn down your house in front of your very eyes and then; with a few hours and persuasive words, convince you they did not do it, someone else did it, and they were set up to look guilty. The worst part: You would believe them. That is how good they are with words and acting.

Next week’s Toxic Tuesday will address: What child predators look for when choosing a victim, ways you can protect your child, and symptoms of child sexual abuse.

If you are in danger or you have a child being abused, please leave immediately and seek help. Instances of children making up stories of child abuse are rare. Always believe the child. In the right margin of my blog you will find links to articles on abusive relationships, resources for counseling services and referrals, a link for those who are victims of domestic abuse, and a link for Christian survivors.